Hi Livejournal. I haven't seen you in a while. Blame that whore of a Facebook.

I think I mentioned how disenchanted I was getting with the whole academia thing. So, I decided to take 19 credits of summer classes and shave a year off my undergrad. My new tentative graduation date is a year from now, in April 2010. Wish me luck and feel free to send me copious amounts of caffeinated beverages.

Since I'm taking summer classes, I'll be staying in Des Moines for the summer. I'm excited about my first real summer away from home. I'm gonna be getting a for-realz job soon, and I'll have my car and I'll be free to hang out and get drunk and do all those other exciting college-kid things that I've been sadly neglecting.

I'm thinking about using this summer to write. I want to challenge myself and set deadlines; call it NaNoWriMo in two-ish months instead of one. NaSuWriCha (National Summer Writing Challenge) has a nice ring to it. It sounds vaguely Japanese too.

Still going strong with that one guy. At the moment, we're both enjoying an open relationship. It's more like a friends-with-benefits kind of thing, but there's a whole lot more "friends" than "benefits". There's an infinite number of people either of us could have sex with, but the numbers start dwindling when all you want to do is watch TV or read books or just hang out. I need copious amounts of alone time to retain my sanity or semblance thereof, but with Jon, I get this amazing sense of comfort and security. I'm still a little skittish and unsure of the whole thing, but I think he may be the one for me.

So how are you guys? Anything exciting/interesting/mildly confusing/un-fucking-believably scary happen to you within the last five months?

The next time I get the idea to get involved with a theatrical production on campus, somebody needs to slap me, then firmly shake the idea out of my little brain.

My mother summed me up perfectly the other day. She said, "Kristine, you are an incredibly intelligent young woman, but when it comes to matters of the heart, you are utterly idiotic." I'll be the first to admit that it's true, and any number of my friends can attest to it too. At least two of them would chime in about how it's all the more tragic because of my smarts. And considering my track record, it's no wonder that everyone seems to be waiting with baited breath for me to crash and burn again.

Oh, this new guy's got his faults, to be sure. And it doesn't help that the two people I talk to the most are fond of voicing their disapproval for our relationship. And it probably doesn't help that he's rife with fodder to feed their disapproval. But he's managed to give me some modicum of inner peace, and he's the first romantic interest I've had that is geniunely interested in me. Every other beau was either interested in one thing or attracted to the idea of me; having someone obligated to spend time with them or someone to utterly confide in. Jon actually encourages me to think. He's chinked away at the bright, bubbly exterior I'd cemented in place until now it's rather cracked and faded. He didn't strip away my defenses - I let them erode. And the best part is that he's got enough issues of his own that he doesn't mind mine. In fact, I feel down right normal in comparison to him. :D



I'm ready for the end of the semester. None of my classes have really tickled my fancy, and I stupidly volunteered myself to be part of the set crew for the musical this semester. Meaning that not only am I procrastinating like crazy, I've been spending my nights in the theatre at rehearsal. Plus, today I discovered that we do in fact have to pay for cable & internet in the house. And here's a random factoid for you: driving in Iowa with windows too darkly tinted can earn you a citation costing $69.70. In my case, it was only my passenger window that was too dark, and I didn't even put the window tinting on - the previous owners did. But that's apparently beside the point...

I need a vacation.

I'm tired of being a college student. Spending my time in a classroom and doing seemingly pointless homework doesn't hold the same appeal that it once did. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. Instead, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and I really don't want to be here anymore.

I liked working. I liked having a place to be and knowing what was expected of me and how to do it. I liked the relative sense of routine that was oddly comforting, though occasionally monotonous. Best of all, having a job and working doesn't require tens of thousands of dollars in student loans.

I'm not even sure what I want to do after college. Psychology isn't really tripping my trigger like it once did. I don't have the creative direction like I once did, so an English major is out. And I don't think Grand View even offers an Early Childhood Education degree.

I really just want to find a job working at a daycare or something and be happy.

Um, yes. Poem. It started out about something completely different and then just sort of metamorphosed into this. Still, I'm rather proud of it. What say you?


"Small Talk"

Something needs to change (he says), with she too far to disagree.
She cannot remember the color of his eyes or the warmth of his body
details hazy and yellowed like an old photograph.
She comes back at the end of August
when the crisp of autumn sneaks in the air.
She is fine (she thinks), not expecting the sudden pulse
of a forgotten fascination.
Calm and cool behind his icy façade
he hides an awkward phoenix passion.
But he comes back to walk with her as the
late-summer dusk dyes the sky multihued
(pink and gold and purple and blue)
a backdrop to their past of easy youthful laughs
now lost by unasked questions and selfish lies.

It's ridiculous to be getting so upset over something that actually happened last month. But here I am, wondering why I couldn't be good enough for him. Why couldn't I just appreciate what I had? Why did I have to open my big mouth and ruin it? Why didn't I fight for us?

I'm pretty sure he's moved on. He's got Hannah to chase. And I get to put a big smile on my face and give him advice about it. Because I was an idiot. A giant fucking idiot.

This all started because, as I was absently listening to my iPod on shuffle tonight, one of my favorite songs started playing: "Running Up That Hill", covered by Placebo.

I hear the first 30-seconds, and I'm suddenly back in his dorm room, writing an LJ entry about how happy he's made me, though I know it's going to crash (nothing ever lasts long between us - it's the nature of our "relationship"). I can smell that stale incense and see the sea of dirty laundry scattered everywhere. The blanket I'm wrapped in smells faintly of laundry and sweat and him. My mouth suddenly tastes like Camel cigarettes and Red Bull and Mt. Dew - the only things I've ingested in the last six hours. As if on cue, my stomach starts flip-flopping and writhing again, reminding me that I hadn't eat in a while - par for the course when I visited him. I only ate to stop my stomach from revolting against me, and even then, it wasn't anything substantial: a couple of tacos or a steak quesadilla from the Taco Bell across the street or a box of Pizza Rolls from the gas station next to the Taco Bell.

And just like that, the scene changes. I also listened to this song when I was sad, when the pure emotion of it all suddenly welled out of me and I cried not for myself, but for everybody. Then I'm in my dorm room, curled on my floor with a pillow, watching the red rise to the lines on my skin, vision blurred by quiet tears and the winter sun.

Or it's stuck in my head as I'm walking across campus at night, trying to keep myself moving so I don't stop and suddenly realize the futility of it all.

Or I'm back in the here and now, reflecting on where we are, and wishfully thinking. It would be awesome if he turned out to be the Perfect One I keep dreaming about, but something tells me he's not. Maybe he's simply not Perfect yet, or maybe there's somebody else entirely. Either way, it's an odd coincidence that he shares most of the traits I envision the Perfect One having.

And, either way, this song will always remind me of that morning in his dorm room, skipping my classes while he goes to his, finding myself doing the same thing I always do with him: waiting.

I'm single again, by mutual decision. We both think we work best as friends, so we're gonna give it a try.

But I'm still a little sad, and it still hurts a bit. It'll probably hurt more when it finally sinks in. I'll probably be crying myself to sleep tonight. Hopefully, I'll be happier in the long run. And if not, we're both open to trying again someday.

Except, the insanely jealous, rather immature part of me is really hoping that he doesn't find anybody else. I kinda sorta want him to spend the next two months pining for me. That's not too much to ask, is it?

On a sudden whim, I went to Fiction Alley and re-read some of my Harry Potter fan-fiction. Most of them start okay, but crash and burn most horribly by the end. I'm kind of tempted to rewrite a few fics - just because I can.

Oh, and I have a job now. I work at KidsQuest, which is "supervised hourly care center" in Ameristar, one of the casinos in town. Basically, it's a daycare for those people who want to enjoy the casino and its offerings without having to worry about their kids. I'm working between 30-40 hours a week at minimum wage, and it's mostly the late shift, which I don't mind.

The only thing that makes me worry is that I've worked there 3, almost 4, weeks now, and I've already asked for three weekends off. Now, one of these weekends was this month, but the other two are next month, but still... I think my boss is about ready to smack me the next time I hand in a Request Off form...

And I got called for jury duty next month. I'm kinda scared. Here's to hoping that I don't get picked...

My freshman year of college has certainly been an interesting one.

I was totally miserable the first couple of months, feeling as out of place as a sore thumb. I think I was the only girl on my floor not into really girly things or Jesus. And it probably doesn't help that I'm not much of a people person. Given the choice between holing up in my room with my computer and socializing, I'll usually pick the computer.

But it worked out in the end, and I got involved in theatre. I was Propmistress for the fall show and one of the leads for the spring show. I operated the light and sound boards for a whole night, and built a whole crapton of stuff. I'm excited to see what next year will bring, especially with the crop of fresh meat we're supposed to be getting. It'll be weird to not be at the bottom any more. I bet it'll be even more weird when some of these kids turn out to be older than me.

Relationship wise, I think I've evolved a bit. With Andy, there's this sense of reassurance that I don't need to impress him every single moment we're together. Heck, the first night we talked, I belched and farted in front of him and he applauded my candor. But it's more than that. Andy likes me for me. He likes the fact that I'm not such a girly-girl, and that I can at least tolerate his heavy metal/hardcore Christian music - I even like some of it. Most of all, what I like about my relationship with Andy is that there isn't any pressure. We spent most of our time together hanging out in each other's dorm rooms or at Wal-Mart. It's nice to have a relationship merely add another dimension than to totally define you.

Speaking of definitions, Andy's been helping me try to pin down my spirituality. I've always believed in God, but I've had difficulty elaborating beyond that. Andy has been continually challenging me, which has only helped to strengthen my beliefs. Maybe it's ironic that as I grow stronger in my faith, he still struggles. I guess that's the upside of living in a family that's not really religious.

Ultimately, what this past school year has given me is confidence. I'm not so afraid to meet new people. I'm not self-conscious at all about bursting into song and/or dance in public. And I'm not afraid to try new things. I've got a safety net to catch me if I fall. It's wonderful. I hope it continues throughout this summer and into next year.